My baby

So earlier tonight I talked to my daughter's paternal grandmother (Deb) and we talked for almost 2 hours. She was catching me up on a lot of different things that are happening with my daughter. Like: Potty training, what she's been up to lately, that she's now into that stage of always asking "why?", little moments that have made Deb crack up laughing..things like that. During our conversation I in turn was talking to her about a few things myself, like what's been going on with my situation (a little vague at times though), how colton's been doing and what he's started learning recently, about some rumors that I've heard and if there are any truths to them, asking her why it seems nobody has anything to with him, and at one point breaking down when I was talking about how much I miss my little girl and how it breaks my heart every time I see new pictures of her or hear her voice...that's one of the reasons I don't call more often. Every time I call to see how she's doing and hear her voice, I spend hours trying to disconnect myself so I don't get depressed again.

I had heard that her father was saying things like, I don't care about her and don't wanna have her in my life or else I'd be around more or call more....I don't know if that's true but I do know that I fought all last year to try and keep her with me...I failed in the end and got one of the worse possible outcomes...all because of a stupid law that shouldn't even exist. His family took my daughter away from me...I went through hell last year all while being pregnant and ending up practically homeless and I still only ended up seeing her for 6 1/2 weeks in a period of 8 months (which I had to fight even for that!! They only wanted her to be with me for no more than 4!) How would they feel if their child was taken away from them because they happened to be struggling financially and wanted to move to a place where they could give their children a better life but the other family "loved that child like their own" and didn't want the child to leave? Being torn between needing to leave because I was practically homeless and also needing to stay because otherwise it would be labeled "abandonment"....and I still lost her in the end.

Now I move back here so I can have her back, and I can't because I have no money coming in thanks to the economy and all the job hours being cut right now...then getting denied cash assistance in the meantime because I did not get my phone calls returned at the social services office...so I have no money to get the things I would need to enforce the custody order. I love my daughter so much and it's killing me everyday not having her with me. Michael tells me that I shouldn't worry, that it'll happen. What I'm afraid of is too much time going by and them fighting to take her away from me for good and/or helping Matt to get full custody now that he's living with them again. I'm afraid that if I don't get her with me soon that I'm going to lose her completely.

I lost my daughter, not because I'm unfit as a mother, but because I've struggled financially to support her on my own without her father's help....Then having the people that I slightly trusted use every time they've ever offered to help me out (because I had no family around to do so) against me to take my daughter from me...I won't ever underestimate them or that family ever again. They've already proven that they can manipulate a situation in their favor.

What they did was wrong. No parent should have their child taken away from them that has been good, has worked their butt off to make sure their child had things they needed, been there for their child's life and shown to be a hardworking, loving, caring parent... I've done the best with what I have had. I thought they were trying to help me make sure she was loved and cared for....never did I think that they would latch onto her so much that they would fight to take her away from me just because they love her so much.

They are NOT her parents! They will be dead in the next few years for crying out loud! They're in their 80's, lived their lives, raised their own children....why in the hell do they feel justified to take away my daughter!!!!